


One Piece ficlets and crack

by roseveare



Category: One Piece
Genre: Bad Poetry, Crack, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Mind Control, Robin traumatises the menfolks, Threesome, custard-in-underpants competition, fat!Usopp, hilarious character death, non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 03:35:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 6,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3312413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roseveare/pseuds/roseveare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things I wrote on quick prompts and cracky inspirations that don't deserve a post of their own. Be afraid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. futa!Perona x Zoro. OOC. Crack. Noncon. Bad End.

A sound of bratty frustration breaks through the sense of crushing gloom. "SILLY Zoro! It clashes with your stupid-coloured hair, and that's _no good at all_!" It's accompanied by a hard smack against his exposed rump as Perona starts to jerk the dress off again, and he manages to raise his head and muster a hollow glare before the outrageous explosion of orange ruffles she calls clothing is yanked over his face. She half tugs his ears off and rips it in the process before discarding it in a pile on the floor. Doesn't matter. There's lots more horrible clothes where that came from.

Zoro is naked underneath, but he doesn't bother trying to cover himself. There isn't any point anymore. Just like there isn't any point in trying to stand up, or to try reclaim his swords -- or any dignity at all. He's stuck with her, alone in this abandoned place, and he has no means to fight the ghosts or the despair. 

"Poor, _poor_ Zoro." Perona changes again in a flash, cooing at him soothingly and rubbing her palm over the slightly reddened skin she just slapped. There's enough left in him to blush as she leans forward and follows it up with a smooch, a noisy "mmmmmmMM!" as she kisses it better. "There you are, all fixed now. Of course I love your hair! It's green like mold and mint candy! And I love your scars, all jagged and yummy!" She wraps her body around his from behind and slides her hands up and down his chest. Black fingernails bite into his nipples. "Ooh, I know!" and she's bounding off again, leaving him to tremble on all fours. "Let's both be PINK!"

Zoro _shudders_. The new dress, if anything, has _more_ ruffles. He's almost blinded by the horror. This... this is just _too much_. 

He gets about four feet before the ghosts pass through his body and he's on his knees again. It doesn't actually make a lot of difference to his overall mood anymore, he realises gloomily. He wants to die. Death would be Nice.

Several swift tugs and the dress is imprisoning his body, the bones that are sewn into the torso compressing him into an hourglass figure. Perona's hands linger, playing in the ribbons at the back. "There! Now we're both so pretty!" She clings to him like a limpet in a possessive hug, her arms somehow managing to crush even harder than the corset. In addition to his inability to breathe, Zoro feels all the blood drain from his face, because he knows what's coming next. His head reels. He even thinks that he might faint.

...Oh, please, _please_ let him faint. If he's _really lucky_ , let him not wake up.

"...And now that we're pretty enough, we can fuck!" she finishes. She wafts her dress aside and with a little skip, slaps her hips forward against his rump. She humms and giggles and makes silly girlish noises of delight as she wriggles against him, tugging her underwear aside.

Zoro squeezes his eyes shut and clenches his teeth as Dr Hogback's single addition to her body nudges up against his entrance. A drifting ghost sniggers at him, and he realises the last dose of her powers might have worn off.

It doesn't matter anyway. He's still in Hell.


	2. futa!Perona/Zoro #2. Usopp & a rescue...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Usopp. futa!Perona/Zoro the second. Crack. OOC. A rescue was requested...

At long last, he arrived by his small boat upon this seemingly barren, deserted island, just another short stop in his travels searching for Shabondy, the _Thousand Sunny_ , or Luffy and any of his nakama... travels so _epic_ they seem less and less like anything that could have really happened everytime he tries to frame the words that he'll use in the retelling when he sees his nakama again. 

Usopp is just wading through the shallows and kicking at the nasty little sharp-toothed fish (each three foot long, at least, with gaping jaws that could take a man's leg off at the knee) when he's jolted from his thoughts by the distant, but _distinct_ , blood-curdling scream that rises above the slap of the waves and the rustle of the wind-blown sand. 

He manages to clamp both hands over his mouth to silence a shriek of his own. His eyes dart around, but it's all open ground right up to that scary looking castle and there is nowhere to hide. There's also nowhere else the sound could have come from.

So he's not sure why he finds himself clenching his teeth together and heading towards the screams, except... there's an instinct battering its fists against the insides of his chest, demanding he go forth. Telling him that there is something here, on this empty island, that he needs to find. He pulls the mask forward to cover his face, beause while Sogeking still feels fear like any man, _he'd_ never let it stop him. 

...Which is actually kind of stupid, Usopp thinks, because that castle _definitely_ looks haunted. In fact...

Even Sogeking almost takes flight, seeing the GHOST! floating giddily through the air in front of him, but then... _then_ it crosses his mind that there's something very _familiar_ about this ghost. And it recognises him, too, because the next moment it seems to fade out a bit, like all the ghost-substance has drained from it's form at the sight of him. Then, it's a white blur haring towards the Definitely Haunted Castle, and if he only pauses to blink for a split second before sprinting after it, it's surely the Fierce Fires of Heroism that burn in Sogeking's pure, heroic heart and not the fact Usopp knows he's beaten her before. 

He's been doing more running than usual since he was parted from the crew and the fighting strength of people like Zoro and Luffy, and his legs easily keep pace. He's readying his slingshot and a rotten egg as he falls through the door of the Definitely Haunted Castle into an empty lobby hung with cobwebs and decay. Another scream echoes around the dark stairwell as he follows the ghost's trailing tail disappearing upstairs.

...And he realises, now he's closer, it doesn't sound too much like a blood-curdling scream anymore. It sounds more like someone is having too much _fun_. 

Since he's seen her ghost, it's not too difficult to connect who the voice and the fun belong to. A blush starts to creep across his face, his heroic charge falters, and he starts backing down the steps again, hoping he hasn't been heard.

So much for his instincts. He should have known. He's not like them, Zoro or Luffy or any of his other nakama who have that sixth sense for battle, for what's important... Never has been. He pulls the mask aside and lets his shoulders slump and starts to slouch back down the stairs he just ran up, and he's actually about to turn around and go. Get back in his little boat and head for the next island (maybe via a raid of the kitches if this place has any food stores to steal, his stomach interjects sensibly, especially since the occupant of this castle is distracted) when another scream -- more like a raw masculine howl -- slices through the other sounds. "AUUUUGH! OH GOD NOT THAT! NOT IN THERE! OH GOD OH PLEASE DON'T! _NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_ "

"There! Now, _oh_ don't you be so SILLY, _boring_ Zoro!" Her voice isn't a shout but it's still _piercing_ , accompanied by a rude fleshy smack. "Bearsy did it PLENTY of times. You don't want to be outdone by BEARSY, do you? Oh, you're WAY cuter than BEARSY, Zorooooooooooo!" The gutteral noises she starts to follow all that up with are frankly pornographic. Somewhere in her simpering and grunting there's a chant of "horo horo" as she brings her devil fruit power into play.

Usopp goes all cold at the way his brain just phrased that, thinking of the effect she had on all his friends, and... his brain is already suffering enough, tying itself in horrible, twisty knots of trauma that may never be undone... Zoro...? ZORO...? Perona has ZORO? Playing... with Zoro...?

...What's that new sound, now... that sound... like... _no, it can't be_... like someone is _crying_?

He's blushing furiously as he leaps the stairs four at a time, but he still leaps them. He follows the grunting, sobbing sex noises up to a tower room and bursts through the door with a warlike yell. Both his slingshot and his jaw land on the floor with a _thump_.

Zoro has... _ribbons_. Ribbons in his hair! Pink ribbons! His make up is running. And _is_ that blusher, or a telling uke blush? He's sniffling on his back in a cloud of gloom with a lacy dress bunched around his belly, hips crushed beneath the Ghost Princess, who rides him with a manic glee, far too loud and too rapt in her pleasure to notice the ghost that's frantically dragging on her hair and pointing back at Usopp in the doorway. Apparently Perona isn't so girlish after all, stroking a huge cock of her own in time with the rise and fall of her hips against Zoro's. And his mind blanks and he almost faints at just the sight of what's just poking out between Zoro's buttocks.

Usopp... whimpers. Perona finally looks up.

The next few seconds are a blur of Perona screaming wildly and trying to rise while the noxious ammunition rains from his slingshot. When his focus clears, she's tied up, choking and charred in a corner, while Usopp frantically tries to disentangle the similarly choking and charred (but clearly better for it) Zoro from all of the... mind-bending paraphernalia... _preferably_ before his strained and terrified consciousness goes and hides out in his boots, sending him lapsing into coma. He's barely even registered that he wasn't and isn't wearing the Sogeking mask.

Zoro's fingers clench in the front of his clothes and he holds the sobbing swordsman tightly in his arms. Since Usopp's so proficient a liar, it should be a simple matter not to let slip that the masculine, heroic image of his bold and able friend has been shattered forever in his eyes. Instead, he settles for patting the shaking body comfortingly on the shoulder and reassuring him, "It's okay Zoro-kun... I'm here now..."


	3. "I know your secret..." Luffy/Crocodile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I know your secret..." (PG13)

"I know your secret, Croc!" Straw Hat Luffy announced, bouncing up from nowhere to where Crocodile was sitting alone on the deck of their stolen ship. The former shichibukai glared up at the voice, and flinched when he found the large blank discs of the ridiculous youth's eyes inches from his as Straw Hat leaned in close. "Iva-chan told me." He licked his lips with a loud _smack_ and looked... worryingly hungry.

"I don't believe you," Crocodile snarled, trying to shove the brat away, though that only made his head bounce back and forth on his rubber neck until Luffy put both hands up to it to stop it. The idiot was lying. Iva-chan had sworn secrecy. Iva wouldn't... Ivankov... _God damn it_. Crocodile changed tack and lifted the tip of his hook to Straw Hat's eye. "Pass that information along to _anyone_ and I'll maim you permanently, boy."

Straw Hat blinked and, obliviously, nearly put himself out one eyelid anyway. Crocodile warily reversed the hook a full inch because he didn't particularly want to injure the other devil fruit user and disturb their tentative alliance until it suited him to do so. Luffy sat back and _giggled_. The sound was far more evil than any the altruistic pirate reasonably ought to produce. "Why would I tell anyone _else_ the secret when it's so much more fun to use it myself?"

Crocodile irritably started to growl, "What on earth are you talking ab--" but found himself gulping short the end of the question as Straw Hat closed a hand around his wrist and pushed until the hook was tilted back against his shoulder. "What-- _Wait_!" 

"Why?" Luffy asked with apparently genuine puzzlement, then curled the fingers of his other hand in the waistband of Crocodile's trousers, climbed on top of him and pushed him over. "I told you, I _know_ , so it's no use trying to hide it."

"You surely don't intend-- _No_!" Crocodile spluttered. "You can't do this! I won't-- it's impossible--! Not YOU...! S-s-stop!" Unable to help himself, though, he could already feel his ordinarily commanding body language changing, the blush creeping over his face, his muscles turning to water, forcing him to shrink bashfully and submit as Straw Hat Luffy slid his hands to parts that hadn't been touched that way in too long. 

"I know," Luffy purred in his ear, "that you're an _uke_."

Crocodile sobbed aloud. His secret was out. He was completely at Straw Hat's mercy now...


	4. Food Porn - Luffy/Bonney

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a crack snippet written after Jewelry Bonney's first appearances in the manga.

She sank her teeth into the steak, chewing without biting any off and sending the juices dribbling down her chin, and onward, in little rivulets down her neck to her breasts. She laughed with her mouth full at the glazed, aroused fever in his eyes and arched her body back, inviting him to lick the spillage.

His tongue made short work of cleaning her pale skin, travelling upward til he reached her mouth. They fought over the last of the meat until their tongues met in the middle.

"Strawhat..." Her feral growl was matched by his own and they fell upon each other, forgetting about the food for a while.

A short while. Albeit not through any lack of stamina. 

" _More_ ," she declared suddenly, and he sang out agreement, bouncing for the last of the choice cuts on their briefly abandoned plates. He fed her pieces with his fingers, though that turned into a fight when he fed himself more often than he did her. But the fight turned again into a different kind of grappling, and they both ended up happy.

Until disaster struck.

"No _more_?" she choked with horror, and mounting rage. " _Again?_ "

Luffy yelped and ran for the door, putting his head around it to howl, with rising panic, "SANJIIIIII-----! MORE _MEAT_!!!!" He spun, breathing heavily, and pressed himself back in cornered fear. "It'll come! He's on his way! The meat's on it's way. There'll be more! Lots more! Yeah! Sanjiiiii!"

Jewelry Bonney pouted dangerously from her half-dressed sprawl on the bed.

\--And the door slammed wide, pancaking Luffy's naked rubber body against the wall and admitting Nami's demonic form. The navigator, shaking with rage, didn't blink or falter at the disrobed, dishevelled, greasy or flattened state of the besotted couple.

" _Sanji_ ," she said harshly. "Is _crying_. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU TWO THINK YOU'RE PLAYING AT????!"


	5. Mesmer -- Kuro/Luffy, non-con

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote a bunch of villain/Luffy ficlets but this is the one that makes me feel _like pure evil_. But hypnotism/mind control fucks with Luffy seriously and I can't resist pushing that to the darkside. 
> 
> All the warnings in the world for this one.

All he can remember is the flash of light reflecting from spinning, dancing circles.

_\--flash--_

He's naked on all fours with his knees wide, and he can't move because -- because they've not told him to. There's an object, long and blunt and hard, jammed inside him, and he's trembling with the need to reach back and pull it out. But all he can do is yell his head off with each cruel twist and thrust, because they _have_ told him to do that.

He's actually grateful when one of the shadows behind him finally does withdraw it, tossing the staff aside to clatter on the boards of the floor. Then, they laugh about his stretchy body and declare he definitely doesn't need any more preparation than that, and flesh enters him in its place. 

They tell him to move with that other body, to grunt like an animal for them and enjoy it like a proper whore, and he's done with gratitude, even if he still can't do anything else but obey.

_\--flash--_

Then, he knows that everything is wonderful and perfect, and even though he unaccountably doesn't remember the identity of the smart, tall, slick-dark-haired man with the glasses who's smiling in the embrace of his thighs, he knows he _loves him very much_ , so twists his upper body around to stroke and kiss and croon over that dark head and shoulders as the other man spills into him.

_\--flash--_

And he licks and sucks and swallows obediently for Master, crouched between his legs beneath the dinner table. If he's lucky, sometimes they throw scraps under to feed him.

_\--flash--_

Within the press of bodies, the idea sometimes flits across his mind, as he's passed around -- but he can't remember what he's doing there, and can't think of what he'd be doing if he wasn't there, so he can't frame a reason he should say "no".

_\--flash--_

_\--flash--_

_\--flash--_

_\--flash--_

_\--flash--_

Then he's slumped with his wrists chained to a wall, the air cold against his bare skin, and he remembers _every single thing_ and he _knows_. Luffy knows exactly how much they've been messing with him, for how long, and _how_.

He feels his eyes widen and his lips draw back as his indrawn breath rasps. The cold horror expands to fill his world as he looks up into a catlike smirk. 

Kuro crouches down and lifts his leg at the knee, and -- oh, God -- habit -- or -- or -- he doesn't even know what and can't explain it, but _something_ freezes his limbs. 

"Bastard!"

The gasped insult is the only response he can muster. He _can't_ move, and _can't_ fight, and even though the hypnotist isn't there, the other pirate captain's body sinks into his uncontested with the ease of long familiarity. 

"Let's try it all natural this time," Kuro says. "Just you and me."


	6. Memento - Nami, Luffy, Vivi - *fluff*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set right after Alabasta, hence Nami's feelings about Robin. Luffy/Vivi, Nami/Vivi or Nami/Vivi/Luffy if you squint.

He's been quiet, and she finds that disconcerting. No -- she finds that downright troubling. Luffy is quiet, and Nami is troubled. Because if there's one thing Luffy never, ever is, that's _quiet_. 

She checks on That Woman again (its become a part of the routine since they left Alabasta; let everyone think she's been turned by a few jewels), establishes that she's only sitting reading (again), and goes to find Luffy.

Their captain is hunched in a compact rubbery hunch, of the sort you simply couldn't get a human body into that _wasn't_ made of rubber, a forlorn little huddle of Luffy tucked under the figurehead. She feels her heart flutter in a bittersweet pang, and she watches him from a distance as he turns over and over the object that's in his hands, curling it around between his fingers.

She knows how soft it is, and how pretty the subtle tones are in that distinct colour. She's helped brush that hair, just as she's felt its owner's gentle fingers brush through hers.

She still has female company aboard ship, but hell will freeze over before That Woman takes the place of Vivi.

Nami crosses the space between them and slides down to sit next to her captain. Luffy doesn't look up until she closes her hand over his. She feels Vivi's hair again, soft against her skin, even if it's just that single lock.

"You'll lose it," she tells him, and he nods, eyes avoiding hers. At least he knows how clumsy he is.

Hesitantly, he pulls his hat forward off his head. He stares into the battered, discoloured straw of its underside, then offers it to her from a hand that's trembling faintly. "Can you stitch it into Hat, Nami? Then, I won't lose it. Then, it's always close."

Nami nods, and with her free hand she takes the hat, tightening her clasp on Luffy's hand and Vivi's hair with the other.


	7. Ship's Okama -- LuffyBonbon (...or Luffy/Bon Clay)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff again. So much fluff. Fixit fluff.

There's the sound of laughter and the door leading below deck bursts open. Nami looks up from her log pose and windspeed calculations to see Luffy, clinging like a limpet to their newest crewmember, legs wrapped around Bon Clay's waist and arms about his chest. The okama dances and spins and spins like he's completely unencumbered and trills a good morning to all.

Luffy's face and arms are still mottled, darker patches of damage spotting the skin, but they're fading. Nami knows the okama has scars too, but they're hidden beneath the make-up. She watches them now, the way Luffy's face is pressed into the other's shoulder, the way that matchless grin sparkles with yet a new light still, and Bon-chan moves as though he was born with a Luffy growing out of his back. Nami doesn't miss how his hands occasionally slide, caressing, against one or other clutching rubber limb amidst his balletic moves. 

He's done so much for them, nobody would even think to contest Luffy's proclaimation of "nakama!" (as if they would contest anyway); still... it's going to take some getting used to this. 

"Ladiiiiiies! A diviiiiine cuisine to lift your morning, my angels!" Sanji trills, spinning with his plates to the table (and yes, Nami does have to bite her lip on pointing out the similarities at times, knowing full well how that would be received after his recent experiences). He puts the plates down and hollers to the rest of the crew, "Oi, shitty breakfast is served!"

The ship's captain scrambles down from the ship's okama and dives for the food with an exuberance happily indicative of his usual energy levels returning. He's blocked by Sanji, but Sanji is distracted by his subsequent fit when Bon Clay bows and kisses his hand in tearfully exaggerated gratitude for the meal.

Nami leans in and firmly but gently catches Luffy by the jaw, lifting his face to her scrutiny. He blinks at her with innocent confusion, eyes darting furtively toward the food because the others are headed over and there's a serious danger they might actually get their fair share. 

"Eh, what is it, Nami?"

"Just this." She wipes the ruby red smudges from his lips with the edge of her thumb and a smile.


	8. Sex God -- Sanji, Luffy, total crack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luffy recounts to Sanji his time with the amazons.

"Hey, Sanji," Luffy says thoughtfully, sitting hunched and picking his toes. "Do you like _sex_?"

The cook's cigarette spits clear over the side of the ship. 

"I-- I-- I-- WHAT?!!!" 

"Ooooh, you've not done it? It's _fun_!"

"...The hell, Luffy?" Sanji feels the true depths of abject terror. Surely the shitty rubber idiot hasn't-- not before-- not-- " _What makes you think I haven't?! And where the hell did you?!_ " He leaps to his feet because somewhere there are ladies the shitty walking condom has abused and they need to be _avenged, right_ now--

\--Nami walks past and he slides limply back down the wall, offering a weak smile in exchange for her querying frown, because this is one time he definitely does not want to have to explain what they're fighting about.

" _What the hell did you do_?" he hisses at Luffy, shivering hands struggling to light a replacement cigarette.

Luffy _blinks_. And _picks his nose_. Sanji's feet twitch. Shitty rubber... Luffy is officially dead meat. He won't even bother to boil him up for stew. The bastard would be far too chewy anyway. 

"Huh," says shitty rubber slowly. "Well, they wanted me to do lotsa different stuff. 'Cause I'm a man, and they don't have those on their island, so they have to do stuff to each other. Oooooh, they showed me that, too!" He grins and snickers-- _shishishishi_. "There were a lot of 'em, and it was pretty tiring, but it was _really really_ fun, and I thought -- I thought 'Sanji shoulda been here, 'cause he really likes ladies, so I bet he'd like _sex_ ' -- what's the matter, Sanji?"

There is barely time for the fear to begin to register on those wide, innocent eyes.

"SANJI-KUN, NO!" Nami's cries ring out unheard: at least until they become, in rising panic, "ZORO, ROBIN, QUI-----CK! SANJI'S KILLING LUFFY--------!"


	9. More of Usopp to Love - Nami/Usopp/Luffy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From an OP fanforall request for Fat!Usopp (Fatsopp) smut.

"Ehhhhhhh, I know I said I was gonna _kiss_ and _hug_ and _lick every single part_ of Usopp 'cause I'm so happy he's back home with us," Luffy complained, kneading at the soft layers of... well, new Usopp, with both hands in his continuing search. "But does it seem there's much _more_ Usopp to welcome back than there was before he got vanished away?"

"You didn't NOTICE!?!" Nami demanded.

"Oi, oi. It's just a few extra pounds--" Offended, the marksman struggled manfully to help Nami strip off the shirt from his back. His shoulders didn't quite have the range of movement they'd used to, and even so little effort broke him out in sweat.

"A few!"

"Usopp's way softer and cuddlier now, though... Wheee!" Luffy flopped forward, burying his face in the vast belly landscape, and blew air against the bouncy skin, making a loudly rude noise. Usopp jumped and shouted in surprise and Luffy had to scramble not to drown in the suddenly shifting layers. His hand landed on Usopp's crotch. "AHA! I finally found it, Nami! I found Usopp's lost Mystery Penis!"

Usopp blindly felt fingers start clumsily unfastening his pants. That area of his body hadn't been in his field of vision for a few weeks. A moment later, Luffy also disappeared entirely and he felt a wet mouth close around him. 

"Mffop! Mf mmfu mft mf mwpwt uht mfuu?" Luffy said.

" _Ayaaah_ \-- ah -- I mean, what?" Usopp responded. "And please do that again."

"Mngunnnhmnghnmhhhghah!" Luffy said obligingly, making Usopp's spine melt, before his mouth pulled clear. "--said, did you put on weight here too?"

"Er, I don't know." He felt his face redden and defended wildly. "Undoubtedly, though, it's only that the time we were parted allowed you to forget the splendor and magnificence of the example of male anatomical perfection that is the _Ussopppppp!CO_ \--!"

"Oh please don't start that," Nami said disgustedly, slapping a hand over his lips. "Luffy! Swap!" She shoved at Usopp's newly-meaty shoulder and as his body rocked forward, Luffy's head disappeared under an avalanche of flabby rolls with a tortured gurgle.

"Luffy!" Nami had to drag him out. Usopp couldn't reach around his belly. 

"Sorry," Usopp mumbled.

"Luffy, _are you alive_? Breathe, Luffy!"

"...GAH! THAT WAS SCARY!"

"...You two are making way too big a deal of this..." Usopp growled, the will to apologise fleeing.

It's not that it's a problem if you put on a little weight..." Nami straddled him sexily, but lost her balance due to quite how wide she needed to straddle and bounced off his gut with an "oof".

Luffy sniggered at her amid biting and kissing the back of Usopp's neck, and added, inexplicably, "I almost came back as a girl," for which there wasn't really any possible reply that came to mind.

"But..." Nami tried to continue, and broke off. They both groaned as she slid down onto his length. "Unnnngh, Usopp! I think Luffy might be right... Ah! Wait -- wah!!! Nonononononononooooo!" Her fists beat at Usopp's shoulders and her legs kicked desperately as he rolled forward onto her. (But it was definitely mostly Luffy's fault for shoving him from behind, and by the time he was cross-examined later, his defence would be solid.)

Usopp set his hands to the bed to lift some of his weight from her, but couldn't actually raise himself high enough. He mumbled distracted apologies between grunts as Luffy's lubed fingers got to work, while Nami yelled and kicked some more.

"Dammit, Luffy, get me out of this! This isn't funny! I'm _not_ going on the bottom! This _isn't funny_ , Luffy, you idiot!"

"----" It was possible the choked sound might've been a cough, but either way signs were strong that their captain would still be paying for it later. "It's okay, Nami, I'm nearly done! 'M sorry, his butt is lots harder to find than it used to be!"

"HEY!"

Usopp's protests were cut off distractedly as Luffy's much smaller body attempted to cover his from the back, and he felt the intense push as he was entered. Extending rubber arms curled under Nami's body and Luffy made a great groan of effort (which Usopp STRONGLY suspected of exaggeration) as he tipped them all over.

Luffy's hands resettled on his thighs and he started awkwardly to lift and thrust, while Nami, gasping for breath, dizzily tried to find her balance again on top. Usopp sweated and decided that it was definitely adding up to more _effort_ than it had ever used to involve to make love to his nakama... He was becoming increasingly aware that he couldn't really move much, and that Luffy, underneath him, was... kinda flat? 

Damn. Maybe they had a point.

"I think," Luffy said, very very distantly and muffled, and rife with strained pauses, "even if it's nice that there's more of Usopp... maybe there could be a little... _little_ bit less of Usopp... than this much Usopp..."

" _Usopp_." In turn, Nami huffed and prodded him fiercely under the sternum as she struggled to match her body's movements to Luffy's with her legs wide across the expanse of Usopp's thighs. Her expression was somewhat cross.

"We love you and we love that you're back," she said tightly, "and I completely respect your right to make the decisions which affect your own body, and I don't have a problem with the way you look." Ominously, her voice, now, was starting to turn into _that_ voice that none of them ever, ever, _ever_ dare argue with, "But _you_ , Usopp... if you want sex with me after this _ever again_... you are going to _diet_."


	10. One of the Guys - Robin, Strawhats, gen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From an OP fanforall prompt. Nami is in a relationship with Sanji, so Robin gets relegated to bunking with the rest of the guys.

"I can still hear them," Zoro grunted, pillow around his ears. "Through the damn _wall_."

"Huuuuhhhh?" Luffy sat up, leaned forward in his bunk, and stretched his rubber earlobe out until it was the size of his head. "Are you sure? I can't hear anything, Zoro."

"There’s nothing to hear at the moment," Robin said smoothly, from her own bunk. "Swordsman-san has an active imagination. Perhaps he's jealous?"

"Of that witch?!" Zoro yowled.

"...or the Cook..." Robin murmured.

"I AM NOT JEALOUS!!"

"...Well. They probably heard that."

Luffy laughed - and in the former girls' cabin, Nami and Sanji probably heard that, as well - and Zoro retreated beneath his sheets, muttering about women being evil, every one of them.

"Say, Nico Robin," Franky put in. "How do you know they're not doing anything at the moment?"

He jolted in his bunk as her voice replied very close to his ear, "Now that would be telling."

"Whoo-hooo! Robin-chan is spying! Yo ho hooo!" Brook chortled, leaping out of bed and spinning across the room. The dim illumination glinted off his stark white bones.

"GAAAAH! Naked skeleton!" yelped Usopp, and lobbed a pillow, making the skeleton stagger with a clatter of bones. "Put some clothes on, THAT'S SCARY!!"

"I'm not giving details," Robin said, extending a finger and poking it in the centre of Brook's skull, pushing away the leering death's head leaning over her. "Get back to bed. I can see your pelvis."

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" The skeleton looked down and his jaw detached in horror. "It's true! My bones!" He jumped away and scuttled back to his bunk in a hunch, skeletal hands attempting to cover himself front and back.

"Does she have to be in here?" Zoro grumbled from his hunch of misery.

"But Robin's loads of fun!" Luffy chirped. "Robin, does that mean you can hear them from in here when they do? I haven't heard anything!"

"You can't hear them!" Usopp yelped. "Stop it, all of you! You're freaking me out! Sanji will kill us! NAMI will kill us!" The noise of his teeth chattering echoed in the darkness.

"No," Robin agreed. "You can't hear them. Rest at ease, Sniper-san."

(Fortunately nobody noticed the scarlet hue of Chopper's face in the darkness, or remembered the sensitivity of his animal hearing. Nami would definitely kill him if she realised all the eye-opening things he'd been learning about human mating these last few nights. Or that he knew she enjoyed things like... that. He shuddered in his bed.)

"Aha... Nico Robin's a pervert," Franky chortled. "She _knows_... uh, is that a hand, Nico Robin?"

"...No."

"Does she _have_ to be here?" Zoro grumbled a little more forcefully from his armour of blankets.

"It wouldn't make sense to be anywhere else, when all my companions are here," Robin said mellowly. "I would be lonely."

"Yeah!" Luffy supported eagerly. "It totally doesn't matter if Robin's a girl, 'cause we're all good friends. Hey, I know! Nobody's sleepy, so how about one of Zoro's shadow-puppet shows? Huh, Zoro? Huh? How about it? That'd be great!"

"Er, Luffy..." Usopp began uncertainly.

"I AM NOT DOING THAT WHILE SHE'S IN HERE!" Zoro howled, the glint of his eyes very red and his fangs very white in the darkness.

"Whyever not, Swordsman-san? It certainly sounds interesting."

Zoro hissed, "I don't do that. I've never done that. They're making it up."

"But Zoro, Robin's never seen it! That's not fair..." Luffy pondered. "Well, I could try--"

"Luffy!" yelped Usopp in growing panic.

"--I wouldn't be as good at it as Zoro, but mine can stretch. Or -- ooh, Franky! Franky can try! His can do lots of really interesting things!"

"Hahaha! Suuuper! Sure thing, Captain! You got the torch?"

"FRANKY!!! LUFFY, DAMMIT, NO!" Usopp yelled frantically. "NO SHADOW PUPPETS! NONE! NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!"

"...We should all go to sleep," whimpered Chopper. "Sleep is good for you. It's healthy! Really, really healthy! And it won't get us hurt by Nami for being noisy, so it's even more healthy!"

There was a brief silence until Luffy's voice rose again, "Well, how about a farting comp--"

"No!" Five voices hissed.

"...You know," Robin said, into the silence after that, "I quite enjoy making a few shadow puppets myself. I've been told I do a very convincing dove."

"Eh," Usopp said slowly. "That sounds... harmless--I mean, nice."

"Yeah, go Robin!" Luffy cheered.

"Go, Nico Robin!" Franky echoed.

There was a lot of shuffling and "Hm"ing and "Where's the torch?" ended by Robin's amiable, "That's okay, I have it now."

\--CLICK--

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"There we are. A dove."

"AWESOOOOOOME!" They could see Luffy _sparkle_ in the darkness as his happy laughter rebounded around the room and he clapped and clapped. "Guys, guys, isn't Robin so awesome! Zoro can't even do that!"

"What's the dove's tail made of?" Chopper asked, voice thin and baffled, amid the atmosphere of deep trauma.

"Shutupyou'renothelping," Usopp moaned.

"WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO BE HERE?!" Zoro howled.

"Yo... ho... ho..."

Franky gave a low whistle, which cracked and faded into silence.

"This is great!" Luffy said. "Robin's totally one of us now! Robin makes a brilliant guy! So she can take Sanji's place now Sanji's a girl and he's in the girl's room, and everything's sorted! It all works out perfect! Right? ...Guys? Guys?"

"Um," said Usopp.

"Um," said Franky.

"Um," choked Zoro.

"OH! I know what it--!" Chopper began excitedly, then was buried under a barrage of pillows, and inadvertantly concussed when Brook threw his thigh bone.

 

_fin_


	11. The Great Custard-in-Underpants competition #2: Robin & Chopper vs. Nami & Luffy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Custard in Underpants competition, The Return. In rhyme. (It was an OP Fanforall anonmeme thing and a sequel to another prompt/fill... it's probably best not to ask. I think I was drunk at the time.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original note still stands: oh, God. just kill me.

The scents of cooking drifted through the jolly pirate ship  
And the little reindeer doctor raised his nose and took a whiff  
"Aha!" he cried, "That smell again! Now quickly Robin I must tell!  
Sanji's making custard and we all know what that spells!"

Navigator Nami snorted, "Not again, that silly game!  
Both of you have clearly something wrong inside your brain!"  
"We challenge you!" said Robin (in a lighter mood today)  
"If you can beat the two of us then you can have your way.

"We will not play this game every time cook-san makes custard."  
And Nami said, "You're on! Now you are both so very busted!"  
But Chopper laughed. "I cannot lose with Nico Robin on my side!  
She's made 60 extra buttocks now her undies are THIIIIIIIS wide!"

"Rubbish!" said Nami, "Come here Luffy, do Gomu Gomu no Fuusen.  
Now OUR team has a giant sized ass and you're sure to be losing."  
Who'll be the judge? The cook of course! Here he is, custard in arms.  
But what's this? "Shitty DF users, stop your cheating there right now!

"...of course not YOU, oh Robin-chwan! No, I don't mean you at all!  
Feel free to use your charms to beat that shitty rubber ball!"  
"No, Sanji-kun!" cried Nami, facing imminent defeat  
With custard in her underpants and bright red blazing cheeks.

The victors laughed, danced, squelched, and shared a kiss in glee  
And Sharpshooter and Swordsman looked on, baffled totally  
While Luffy ate the custard and, oh Gentle Reader, well...  
...What Nami did to Sanji next it's best just not to tell.


	12. Brook x Kureha: Scary old people need love!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another OP fanforall prompt ficlet.

The situation, Chopper deduced with increasing alarm, was beginning to look life threatening.

At first, the reunion had been everything he'd dreamed of - their triumphant return to Drum Island, having conquered the Grand Line, to face the Doctorine and his homeland again finally as a proven pirate and nakama to the Pirate King himself! He almost glowed with pride just thinking of the moment again.

Then, they had introduced Doctorine to Brook.

The horrifying silence when Brook had asked her to show him her panties was matched only by the horrifying silence when she smilingly complied.

There had followed several nosebleeds among the spectators.

The two of them now had retreated into one of Dr Kureha's private chambers, Brook taking the Doctorine's hand in a most gentlemanly fashion, at least as Chopper understood the odd courting rituals of humans. Indeed, he was confused by the extremity of the others' reactions to what seemed to him surely a happy chance? If both of his dear friends had a romantic rapport, then neither of them would need to be alone any more.

Unfortunately, he had been left alone to tend to the fallen - mind, he was a fully-fledged pirate doctor, and did not need help... but still, he felt - with disapproval - that Doctorine ought to have more sense of responsibility.

Also, Luffy and Franky were decidedly not helping, either.

"You think they're really up to something in there, then?" the Captain chimed, rearranging his battered hat.

"Yeah!" Franky pumped an arm vigorously and unnecessarily, and made a joke about bones that Chopper didn't quite follow the humour of, given Brook's distressing physical condition.

"Eh, but he _is_ all-"

"Luffy, _please_..." Nami groaned, her voice almost a whisper. Robin lay a dampened cloth across the distressed navigator's forehead - at least someone was being helpful.

"You don't have bones in that part, right, so he's-"

"Luffy..." Zoro's eyes were alarmingly bloodshot. His hand twitched by the hilts of his swords, but he lacked the strenth to draw them.

"I just wanna know how you all think they're gonna-"

"Kid." Frankly heartily slapped the Pirate King's rubber shoulder, causing the upper part of his body to rock uncontrollably, though Luffy was unfazed. "You got a lot to learn about human imagination."

"He's got no lips, either," Luffy added, surly.

Usopp whimpered and slid the rest of the way down the wall he'd leaned against to the floor. A trickle of blood slid from his ear. Chopper didn't like the look of his condition at all, but he had a far more serious case in front of him to worry about.

"Quiet!" He shushed them all, using his serious Doctoring voice, and leaned fearfully over the wreck of Brook and Kureha's worst hit victim, listening for breath, as the three Straw Hats still standing blinked at him.

"I..." he began, voice hushed, appalled. "I think... I think Sanji just passed away."


End file.
